LEARN HOW TO COOK WITH ATTILIO:Arista Alla Fiorentina~Attilio is an angsty-emo italian guy who is troubled by his past and his terrible, terrible deeds.Attilio: Mmh... Hello there... I'm going to teach you how to make... *reads box and squints eyes at the small letters* Aris... How the heck do you pronounce this thing?
Some Other Guy (referred to as SOG from now on): Arista Alla Fiorentina.
Attilio: *throws box away, sighing* Yeah, whatever. So, first, you need 1,5 kg of sirloin... 1 garlic thing... Rosmarin, salt and pepper... *holds up the different ingredients in his hands*
SOG: Uh, sir Attilio... Where's the sirloin?
Attilio: *points backwards* It's still in the back yard.
SOG: *nervous gulp*
Attilio: Anyways. First, take the rosmarin and the garlic, take a knife, *takes out large kitchen knife, a sly glint appearing in his eyes* and begin chopping the ingredients into really, really small bits. *begins chopping with disconcerting ease, a maniacal grin sliding on his lips*
SOG: *nodding slowly* Yes, and?
Attilio: Then, you need to get the meat. Wait for me here. *turns around, and walks towards door* Oh, hey, how much of the stuff do we need?
SOG: 1,5 kg?
Attilio: Ah, yeah... That's gonna make some noise... Stay here, and don't mind the bawling. *walks out of the door, closing it afterwards*
SOG: *nervously gulps again*
*frantic cries of death are heard from the other side of the door, as well as some sinister meat-hacking*
Attilio: *comes back, dark red blood splattered all over his clothes and face, holding a large slab of meat in his hand, and the bloodied knife in the other* Okay, got it. *throws it on the table, splatting blood all over it* Then, you have to make a large cut, or holes, if you want to, so that we can put the chopped up garlic and rosmarin. *grabs the knife and slices big gashes through the two sides of the meat, then once on top, before taking the melange and filling the slices with it*
SOG: *stares horrified*
Attilio: Okay, then you must add a lot of salt and pepper. *takes salt and shakes it over the meat, furthermore grinding lots of pepper on the red slab* Okay, when that's done, *throws salt and pepper away, and a cat hiss comes from the back as the pepper lands* you'll have to put it in the oven. *takes the meat with his two hands, opens the oven with one foot and throws the meat on the metal grid*
SOG: Um, sir Attilio, wouldn't it be better to put some sort of... plate, under the food?
Attilio: Hey, hey, who's the chef here, *he threatens, grasping the knife* now shut up and learn. Put the oven up to 170° Celsius, and leave it be for 2 hours. *he grins maniacally*
*2 hours pass*
SOG: Um, sir Attilio, there's dense black smoke coming out of the oven.
Attilio: Okay, so we know it's cooked. *opens the oven, taking two large kitchen mittens and trying to detach the meat from the grid* It's, uh, supposed to be this... Black, and uh, this, uh, crispy, *he mutters, hitting the carbonized flesh* So, uh, *he turns around to SOG, closing the oven and grinning like an idiot* That's how you make Arista Alla Fiorentina. Bon appétit. *mutters 'and go choke on it, while you're eating' as he leaves*
SOG: *glances sideways, silently scooting away, coughing from all the black smoke*
(I only TRIED acting as Attilio... Not sure this would be how he would say things, but yeah. Hope you had fun reading it. BTW, it's a true recipe. Just put the meat in an oven plate and cook it. Or else it'll go all crispy. Then, set it to 170° Celsius for 2 hours, and get eating.)
- Shadow wrote:
- I couldn't resist doing one for Shadow...
Learn to cook with Shadow (and Wraith)
Shadow: Hello everyone! Apparently I have to teach you to cook something. I don’t know what it’s called, but hey, does it matter? Ok, you’ll need enough pasta for however many people you’re cooking for, a few pieces of chicken breast...
Wraith: *pokes nose over the counter with a hopeful expression*
Shadow: Down Wraith!
SOG: *Looks at Wraith with a somewhat shocked look*
Shadow: Anyway, so, chicken, can of tomatoes, rosemary, oregano, salt, pepper and a vial or two of blood.
SOG: BLOOD?!
Shadow: I’ll explain later. So, you need to cut the chicken into little strips, DOWN WRAITH! *Takes a knife and neatly cuts it into strips*
SOG: Are you sure you need blood though?
Shadow: *pointing the knife towards SOG* Are you sure you want me to use you for target practise?
SOG: Erm... no?
Shadow: Then don’t interrupt me. Now, you need to start the chicken frying while you put the pasta on to boil. Once the chicken has been cooked though, Wraith, I won’t tell you again... Anyway, once the chicken has been cooked through, put it in a saucepan with the tinned tomatoes. Add as much seasoning as you like. Keep in on a low simmer until the pasta has finished cooking. DOWN WRAITH! Go find Neku and make sure she’s not up to anything. Ok, drain the pasta. and then add the sauce. Keep it on a low heat while you add the vials of blood...
SOG: BLOOD?!
Shadow: Of course, Vrael’s the only one who tends to actually eat my food on a regular basis. Now, add the blood... *takes two vials off her belt and adds one to the mix and then the second. The mix explodes all over the place. Shadow sniffs the second vial and picks up the knife.* Now please excuse me while I go and murder a certain little prankster... *Storms out of the kitchen*
SOG: *watches as Wraith jumps onto the worktop and eats the chicken before loping happing after Shadow*
(More to come.)
